I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
