I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
this just has baby written all over it
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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