I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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