why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
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