you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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