Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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