the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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