You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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