I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Alive.
So much puke
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
