it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Randomize
