New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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