Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
