he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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