Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?