I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.