Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze