I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
