Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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