my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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