Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
