he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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