Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
