so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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