theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize