I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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