this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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