when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
