I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
