he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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