Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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