They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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