Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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