Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
