you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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