im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
