Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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