Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
