I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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