i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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