Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
