making cat noises will not fix the situation.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
