it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I puked a lego.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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