I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
