Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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