Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
