and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
