Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
