he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
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you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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