I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
