Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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