I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
