I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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