Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize