I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
