...so i touched it.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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